Well, well, well, welcome back to the world-renowned class act we call humanity, boys, and girls. This time, we find ourselves gazing upon the scenic beauty of... Center Road. Yeah, nothing says postcard-perfect like a road named after its geographical position.

At 6:05 p.m. (dinner time for the kids and vodka-o'clock for the unsatisfied housewives), our story takes an exciting turn. The famed and revered convenience store (the city's bedrock, no doubt), reported an incident that would shatter the very foundations of civil society. A woman, declared guilty by the hardworking employees (who, I imagine, are all pursuing illustrious careers in forensic science) was accused of walking out of the store without paying for two packs of cigarettes.

That's right, folks. Hold on to your butts because this is no petty crime. The debonair lady criminally sauntered away with a handful of cancer sticks.

Now, let's not forget the brave ones who step up when duty calls. Our courageous boys in blue jumped into action immediately, in a moment of crisis like this. Officers documented the incident for...wait for it...follow-up. We're certain that every officer in town is losing sleep over the hunt for the nicotine addict gone rogue.

This, my friends, makes you really question our society's moral decay. Can we no longer trust each other near displays of poorly concealed tobacco goods? What has become of the world?

Keep it classy, Center Road. Keep it classy.