Once upon a noontide dreary on ye olde Rockside Road, a brave conqueror of capitalism embarked on a quest. A quest of pilfering somewhere between $180 and $200 worth of merchandise from an innocent, cherubic business that had no freaking clue what kind of shit-show they were about to be featured in.

Now, hold on to your hipster man-buns; this isn't some Robin Hood rip-off. This is just a dime-store dickhead thinking he can outdo Black Friday without the proper participation of all the shopaholic soccer moms. Queue up dramatic thunder sound.

Captured in all his glory on state-of-the-art potato cam, this entrepreneurial enthusiast didn't bother to consider that his foray into five-finger discounting would be immortalized in the annals of HD surveillance footage. Guess who's popping up on the evening news and every social media feed from here to Timbuktu? Spoiler alert: It ain't the Easter Bunny.

Bet you didn't see that coming, did ya, Einstein? It's 2026, dearie, not 1826. Businesses have these nifty things called cameras. I understand, it's easy to get the centuries mixed up when your IQ hovers between carrot stick and moderately intelligent pebble.

Anyway, that's it. The looting lout vanished in a puff of cheap cologne and unsound decisions, leaving the business $180-ish worse off and the local law enforcement sniffing his cloud of AXE.

As for the fate of our fearless felon? Only time will tell if he'll be bringing his trade to a county jail in the near future. Stay tuned for updates.

This fantastic foray into fuckery is brought to you by the tireless 'Eye In the Sky Janitorial Services' - We're always ready to mop up the bullshit.