At 10:14 a.m., police took a theft report on Rockside Road after a property manager discovered that two sewer grates had vanished from a business parking lot sometime during the previous two weeks.

Yes, sewer grates. The glamorous underworld of parking lot infrastructure has apparently entered its crime era.

According to the report, there were no witnesses and no surveillance footage, which means our alleged hero either planned this like a low-budget Ocean’s Eleven or simply benefited from the modern business security strategy known as “hope nobody steals the ground.”

No word on where the grates went, who took them, or what the endgame is when your big score is two heavy metal sidewalk holes. Scrap? Yard art? The world’s worst coffee table? We may never know.

The case was marked complete, because apparently there’s only so much investigating one can do when the evidence is “there used to be grates there, and now there aren’t.”