Oh, welcome to the Great Broadway Bonbon Battle of May 3rd, 2026, dear readers, brought to you by (insert drumroll) "Dumb Crimes Weekly" giving you the finest in totally true idiocy.

So apparently, Bedford thought it was a grand idea to let the kids at the "Big Girl's Candy Shop" operate past midnight. fricking genius, right? And why wouldn't ya? Who doesn't want a sugar high at the witching hour?

Anyway, at just a bit past one in the morning, as the moon hanged up there questioning life choices like the rest of us, the police got a call. The disturbance? Some lady, three sheets to the wind, was raising hell at a business on Broadway Avenue. How you ask? Well, she was throwing a one-woman tantrum featuring a candy-throwing extravaganza.

That's right, folks: "Mama Wonka", in all her drunken glory, was pelting the hardworking staff with gummy bears and nougat-filled pieces of paradise. "Take that," she presumably slurred, "and that!” She was knocking shit off shelves left and right, like a toddler gate-crashing a tea party.

The staff, probably more scared of the wrath of Starburst missiles than any real harm, tried to kick her out. But, oh no, this boozy candy-corn queen wasn't having any of it. So they rang the boys in blue and cried chocolate.

Cops finally found her outside her vehicle - presumably looking for her glasses, spearheads or maybe the last shred of her dignity. They gave the gal a good talking to and sent her on her merry way hopefully to somewhere with less throwable objects and more rehab.

So, there you have it, folks: yet another night well-spent for the Bedford PD, keeping our city safe from candy-wielding, drunk and disorderly spectacle queens. The city never sleeps, and apparently, neither do the antics.